Fellowship With Wilderness

Oh my goodness who knew that trying to decide what to do with your life would be so hard. Not only do I have to change my entire residence of living but then I also have to pick a career path and think about health insurance and phone bills and LIFE. But let me tell you... no one told me it would be this hard.

no one.

and to all you out there that have been through this before me- i don't blame you because i probably wouldn't have listened even if you tried. it wouldn't have made any sense.

but i sit here on a saturday trying to decide on monday if i'm going to intern for a full year for no money. yep that's right. none.


but it would be a year spent learning completely and entirely about the Lord. And my parents have already told me that they wouldn't think it was a wise decision. but it's my life now. i'm about to be a college graduate and i get to decide my life. i decide what i learn about i decide the kind of person i want to be.

but i sit here trying to decide if i should intern. but this makes me think of andy stanley's sermon about the principle of the path. you decide what you want your character to look like so why would you do something that wouldn't get you to that goal. his example is that if you pack all your beach stuff in the car and your sunscreen and bathing suits but head north on 85 you will not make it to florida. so you could have the best intentions but won't actually make it there.

 and in my life i want the Lord to be front and center. all. everything. i want to be like the 70 year old woman that came into freshley last year to speak and told of how her husband had died recently and she was sad and she mourned the loss of her husband but the Lord was still her all.

so in trying to make my decision i'm trying to weigh all these things. this idea of the Lord being everything and knowing that it's not like not interning would mean I wouldn't love the Lord. but I do know it would give me a firm basis and foundation. even more so than now.

and it is just a year. but it's definitely the road less traveled and the path less taken. so it's like i'm weighing the Lord and the world. and the Lord will always win. but i can still have the Lord in the world.

i think to decide to intern is fear filled. i want to take control of my life and my life is not in control.

i was thinking earlier about my mindset if i decided to not intern. okay. i'd call my parents cause right now i don't want to call them and talk for fear they may bring up the future (which btw they would). then i would settle in to continue looking for a job. then i would bemoan looking for a job cause there's not much out there.


now if i did decide to intern. i'd call my friend nicki and tell her cause she'd be real excited. then i'd probably worry a lot. then i'd feel fear. which is probably the enemy because i would be doing something to vastly expand the kingdom and that's not his idea of a good time. then i'd call my parents and tell them and then hang up to let them process it so we wouldn't have to talk about it anymore.

but i think in both cases i'd have to pray. a lot. because the future is scary and no one told me.