Fellowship With Wilderness

... than never to have loved at all"

Is that really true? This quote from my senior year english teacher is one I'm always reminded of in thinking about relationships and friendships and love. I just had to say goodbye to my college roommate of two years and it really hurt this morning when she left. I mean it was painful for her to leave. She graduated a year early and is moving to Panama, the country, on Wednesday. She packed up her room and moved out on Saturday but she stuck around for a couple more days and we got to go to a Braves game last night. So it was fun and a good going away but back to that quote by Alfred Lloyd Tennyson... is it really?

I mean the pain of her leaving- did that pale in comparison to the amazing times we had? Probably= but it hurts. College can hurt- people leaving and coming, making life changing decisions and choices. High school friends coming into their own in college. I feel like we are pushed together so hard in college and then ripped apart mercilessly.

Wow maybe I'm saying all these things because she just left about 4 hours ago. I mean she's still alive going on into a new stage in her life but I will miss her while I'm still in this stage of mine. But if Tennyson is right... and if it's better to have close friends and vulnerability than to be alone... which I think he is right... then I am going to love all I can so that the good times more than outweight the pain of loss and change and I'm going to believe that...

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

So for my senior year I've been overlooking it and instead looking forward to May 2010 when I have to hit the real world and make some money. But I've realized lately that I need to savor every second of my senior year and make the most of it. It's going to be a really important year for me and I think I need to document it and really take note.

I also decided that I wanted to be a better cook because that is a skill that I will have with me for a lifetime and one that will grow as I do. I pray also that the Lord will give me an ability with food and a great interest for food and learning about it and learning about the amazing tastes different foods can offer.

So I have a journal that I bought for the spring semester- really it's a spiral notebook- but I want to keep that as my senior year book. I am going to write my senior year bucket list in it and the notes I discover about cooking and keep a list of things I do and at least once a week write something down interesting, funny or ridiculous that happened. I need to do that so I can process my life. In the question- are you a thinker or a feeler- I'm definitely a thinker and the way I process my life is thinking. So to take a time of reflection at least once a week to process my life then I will take an active part in it and not be a bystander of my senior year.

I need this year to really move me and I have some big aspirations for it. I am living in the moment and want to seize each day that goes by next year.

So it's July and I can't believe how fast the summer has gone. I've been learning so much this summer though. I've been reading Knowing God by J.I. Packer and have really enjoyed it. I can't even put into words everything I've been reading and learning. I think though that the Lord will take these things I'm learning and then put them into words in the fall when I'm pouring out through my women's group and discipleship.

This summer I've also been thoroughly enjoying all novels by Pat Conroy. His talent with words just makes me want to write eloquent phrases and express myself in the most verbose ways. His books are some of my favorites. I've read Prince of Tides, My Losing Season, The Lords of Discipline, and Beach Music. Still my favorite is The Lords of Discipline even though most people speak highly of Beach Music. He's coming out with a new book in August and I am looking forward to reading it- even though it's already over 700 pages apparently. But I'm still going to tackle that book and love every single wordy page he writes. Because if you've ever read Pat you know he's not the most concise writer but his writing really sets the scene. I think the next one of his I'm going to read is the Great Santini. And I was watching tv today and someone made a reference to being the great santini- implying he was an abusive father. I got real excited about that- i love understanding references. It makes me feel well read.

But back to Knowing God. I mean the things I'm learning in this book amaze me and make me think after every chapter I read. Learning about the characteristics and truths of God is exactly what I need right now. And I'm so overwhelmed with information at times but I've learned that it's okay to not understand. Something else I've been looking into is Jesus' joy. I haven't read a verse in the gospels that says "Jesus laughed" but I want to see what attracted people to him and I know that he had joy because we're called to have joy as a fruit of the spirit and we're also called to be like Jesus. So if a=b and b=c then a=c... therefore Jesus had joy. So I've loved my sleep this summer and learning this summer and really experiencing the calm of Athens. And I'm thoroughly looking forward to the rest of it.

Until next time,
Emily